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August 03, 2005

Dear Humans

So a few weekends ago, our dog trainer, Norm, gave the humans in class this letter that he found on the internet from a human addressing dogs and cats. In this blog entry, I plan on addressing several of the points brought up in this letter. Let's begin:

"Dear Dogs and Cats:
The stairway was not designed by NASCAR and is not a racetrack. Beating me to the bottom is not the object. Tripping me doesn't help because I fall faster than you can run."

Tisk, tisk. Humans seem to be quite peeved that they are built all funny and can only use two limbs to walk and run, while us dogs and cats were blessed with four. Let's face it, stairs were built for four-legged creatures that have a low center of gravity. Don't blame us because we're quicker...sucker! Unfortunately I have lately been unable to show off my stair climbing and descending prowess because I now have to wait at the top or bottom of the stairs to let Amy or David walk first...as Amy's niece, Kaitlyn would say, "It's no fair!"

"I cannot buy anything bigger than a king sized bed. I am very sorry about this. Do not think I will continue sleeping on the couch to ensure your comfort."

I actually don't have too many problems with this because, while I do occasionally sleep on the bed, that stupid feather-filled comforter gets really hot so I prefer sleeping on the cool floor instead. In the past I've attempted to alleviate this problem by tearing multiple holes in the comforter to release the feathers. Oddly enough, instead of thanking me profusely for my efforts, Amy and David usually ended up yelling at me so I have since stopped. Besides, I have my very own couch, it's the white one in the living room. Amy's nieces even call it "Mango's couch", so I have no need for a king sized bed.

"Dogs and cats can actually curl up in a ball when they sleep. It is not necessary to sleep perpendicular to each other stretched out to the fullest extent possible. I also know that sticking tails straight out and having tongues hanging out the other end to maximize space is nothing but sarcasm."

Sarcasm?! Well, whatever do you mean?! I'll have you know that we are simply trying out best to stretch and remain limber (how else do you think we're always beating you to the bottom and top of the stairs?) Besides, have you ever tried sleeping curled up in a ball? Yeah, doesn't feel to great on your back after a few hours now does it? And as for our tongues falling out of our mouths and onto the floor...well, sometimes it's hard to keep track of what your tongue's doing when you're trying to maximize the amount of space you're trying to take up in a room.

"For the last time, there is not a secret exit to the bathroom. If by some miracle I beat you there and manage to get the door shut, it is not necessary to claw, whine, meow, try to turn the knob or get your paw under the edge and try to pull the door open. I must exist through the same door I entered."

Now I'll admit that I'll whine a little and sometimes I'll try and stick my paw underneath the door, but I've found that a much more effective way to get their attention is to start chewing on the door frame outside the door. For some reason, trying to eat things like the door/window frame or the wall really gets humans angry. In fact, I used to do that quite often as a younger puppy, along with other fun destructive stuff.

Now, while we're on the subject of the bathroom, let me address the issue of the bath rug in Amy's bathroom and how much I hate it. This is Amy's bathroom:

You'll notice the trash can on top of the toilet (I kept on sticking my nosy nose in there and pulling things out so that's why it's up there) and the missing pieces of vinyl tile (that was me too) but pay particular attention to the green fuzzy thing on the floor, that's the bath rug that I hate. See, this bath rug is situated directly in the middle of the bathroom and covers the nice cool floor. You'll notice in this picture the air conditioning vent on the wall.

I love sitting in front of that vent. In fact, during this ridiculously hot summer, I have to say that I love sitting next to, standing on top of and generally being near to any air conditioning vent in the house. This is the one directly after you come through the front door. Look how happy and cool I am :o)

Anyway, getting back to the bathroom. So every time I go into Amy's bathroom, I get very irate because this bathroom rug is taking up a prime spot on the floor, so I paw at it and try to toss it to the side.

This is something I have learned that Amy does not like because whenever she discovers the dishelved state of the rug she sighs and shouts, "Mango! Why can't you leave this thing alone!" My question is, why can't she just leave it alone? I spend at least a few minutes everyday moving that thing off to the side of the bathroom and she always, ALWAYS, goes in and puts it back the way it was. Sheesh! Leave it alone this time Amy! I mean it!

Posted by Mango at August 3, 2005 08:18 PM

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